Saturday, April 30, 2011

Our First Race!

Whee am on my way to meet LGG, Ching and Rod to go for the Energizer Night Trail Run. Our very first race!

Actually, I'm not even sure if you can call it a race since we are only planning to walk the 6km. Lol. But as long as we finish it within the allocated time slot of 3 hours. Easy lah.

I'm not sure if I want to run though. It's only 6km. I'm pretty sure it's doable... ok I better stop blogging the cabby took a wrong turn and now I have no idea where we are.

Google Translate FTW

Lol was chatting with my Muay Thai instructor on Facebook. Thing is, the instructors are originally from Thailand and don't have a very good command of the English language. So after chatting for a bit, I decided to use google translate to type something in Thai.


My instructor was shocked. And I couldn't stop giggling.


Almost One Month

Am I happier? No lor. Do I feel a sense of relief? No lor. Does it finally make sense? No lor.

The only thing is that my liver probably hates me now, what with all the drinking I've been doing to see me through the days.

If the grasshopper is happy now, I hope it's worth it for him cos my life sucks now and it's all his fault.

Friday, April 29, 2011

On A Happier Note

Bulk of the nonsense I had to do during my peak period is over! No more early mornings! Whee!

So I can sleep in tomorrow morning, yay!

Why Does It Still Hurt?

Sigh I've been lying in bed for the past couple of hours (yeah, yeah it's not *that* late now. I went to bed early, can or not?) and my mind is in overdrive. My thoughts were all over the place and finally settled on the one thing that I really shouldn't be thinking about- the breakup.

It's hard to believe how quickly time has passed, and that it'll almost be 4 weeks to The Day. The day my heart broke into a million pieces. The day he decided enough was enough. The day all the hopes and plans and dreams shattered into nothing.

I try to look back at how I survived, but it's all a blurry mess. Lots of alcohol, an insane amount of time crying, meeting random people and just remembering to breathe. Don't even get me started on the huge dent in the bank account. Bleh.

One can't help but wonder: how did it all fall apart? When? Why? (Well, everyone now knows that he was unhappy. Apparently for the longest time.) Does he even care? How come he never called, was it that easy to move on?

I lapsed, twice in fact, and made contact when I shouldn't. Both times I was greeted with a certain coolness, an offhandish demeanour that assured me that he had already put us in the past.

But really, that's all we are, isn't it? Past tense. A memory of almost two happy years.

I shouldn't be thinking about this now. Not when I've made so much progress moving on. But I can't help the hot tears that roll off my eyes, soaking my pillow.

You'd think it'd be easy, what with the many experiences I have dealing with heartbreak. But somehow this time is different. I have to remember the outcome will always be the same. I'll survive this, life goes on.

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Ah nothing works better to cheer me up than to plan for my next holiday or two. I don't know why there is this compulsion to get out of the country and explore new lands.

The original plan to go to India for three weeks is obviously off, even though the pothead recently emailed to ask if the trip to Ladakh was still on. I could, I guess, but I don't think I can go to India without doing something stupid. Maybe next time.

So now, the new destination is Shanghai. Cheryl is there and coincidentally so will my sister, and since I'm a slut for free accomodation, I might as well just brush up on my chinese and book my tickets. Dui bu dui?

Might also go to Laos, just because. Don't know when though, maybe for a couple of days in end May. Let's see if we plan anything.

Africa is not happening, at least not the climb to Kilimanjaro. Don't want to die. We might just go anyway, one day, to see the safari. Wildebeest migration and what not. Mmmm.

Ok time to get off the bus.

No Point

Perhaps I shouldn't spend so much time walking down memory lane. Finally got to the chunk of old blog posts where I was rambling on about how I met the grasshopper and all the weekend trips to India.


It's sweet, remembering how happy and excited I was. But what's the point? Hopefully one day I can look back at this time and smile fondly at the memories.

Enjoy and Gloat

OMG it's amazing how super bo liao I am.

Spent the whole of yesterday and today reading old blog entries (mine and LGG's), and it's hilarious the things we penned down. Blogging is like keeping a time capsule of your thoughts, the memories of little things that happen that you'd probably forget about down the road.

Take this blog entry, for example. The good ol' days when LGG ate beef. We made Pho at her place, and spent the whole day gloating about what geniuses we are. Hmm actually we still gloat about how smart we are, so some things just don't change. Haha.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Random Randoms

I can't quite pinpoint what it is about the previous entry that has got me grinning from ear to ear. Is it the carefree kitten, bouncing in the sunshine? Is it that simple phrase that conveys so much?

I guess it sort of reflects how I feel and somehow strikes a chord with me. Don't give a fuck. Be happy, be carefree.


Was reading through my old blog and found this. How true.

Q: What is the quickest remedy for a broken heart?

A: The quickest remedy is that you must learn not to value love because it is requited. It makes no difference whether your love is returned. Your love is of value to you because you give it. It's as though you gave me a present merely because you thought I would give you one in return. This won't do. If you have love to give, you give it and you give it where it is needed, but never, never ask for anything in return. Once you've got that in your head, the idea of your heart being broken will disappear.

(Quentin Crisp, in an interview in The Wit And Wisdom of Quentin Crisp)


Oooh long time no visit this site -


Random old dive pics. Maybe I should pick up diving again.


Waah I've been blogging for 8 years now! I thought it'd be longer though. Hmm.

Started in 2003 with a Livejournal account. I kind of miss LJ, what with all the communities and such, but the ads on the pages were driving me nuts and I didn't really like the layout. I miss being able to protect certain posts, or limit access to certain people, but I think if I migrate to Wordpress, I could do that too. Am just too lazy.

There are a couple of people I still keep in touch with, even though I'm no longer on LJ. It seems weird to know them by their real names, seeing how I'm more comfortabe addressing them by their online moniker.

Cornyflakes (aka Tiago) I've known forever. I think we were both on the Calvin and Hobbes community, or one of the many random communities and we just started commenting on each other's LJs. He was also the one who uploaded the picture of the happy cat on his Facebook profile. It's a weird sort of friendship when you've never actually met the person (and I hope that someday we do get to meet up), but since we've known each other for the longest times, he's seen me through good times and bad. It's quite odd, but comforting knowing that there is someone who is always on the peripheral, someone who is ready to give you online hugs and the occasional late night chat.

Wah, feeling nostalgic now.


Think I better stop rambling and get back to work. Actually, time to pick up my new eyes!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I Love This!

How Long, Really?

I was having a chat with a colleague this afternoon and mentioned that I'm currently single (and hence said colleague should buy me lunch to cheer me up lol - always make full use of opportunities to get free meals!).

"How long has it been?"

"Almost three weeks."

"Aiyah, so long ago. You should be over him, right?"

Eh? Three weeks is long? Hmmm.

Actually I've never really thought about how long it takes to get over someone who has broken your heart. According to Sex and the City, it takes half the time you dated the person to move on. Wah lau eh, that means it will take me 10 months?! I hope not.

I don't think there is a fixed formula, though. It gets easier as time passes. But ever so often you encounter something that makes you smile, and the immediate reaction is to share that with him. Or a picture that you think he'd find funny. Or a song you know he'll like. Or a random corny thought that reminds you of a private joke. And it's at that very moment that you remember that he's no longer there, and a pang of sadness washes over you.

I'm just glad that such moments are now relatively far and few between.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

When You Fly Someone's Aeroplane, Someone Will Fly Yours

*nods wisely*

aka Karma will kick you in the butt.

An Update aka Proof That I'm A Procrastinator

Of all the things I said I would do, I've done a total of... none. Lol.

Well I did buy me shampoo, conditioner and hair mask. So now my hair is softer and silkier, and that's always a good thing.

I've yet to make an appointment with the chiropractor, I'm still drinking like a fish (in fact I'm on my way to Brewerks now lol) and Muay Thai classes ermm...


Well there is always next week, I say.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

This Day, Three Weeks Ago

This day, three weeks ago, my life was headed in a much different direction than it is heading today. There were plans, a future together, a life to live with the one I loved.

Today, these plans are a thing of the past.

Yet, in a way, nothing has changed. I'm still here in Singapore. Nothing would have changed the fact that I had to work on Saturdays for the past 3 weeks. Nothing would have changed the fact that the earliest possible ticket to see him was probably in June. Nothing would have changed the fact that I still go for Sunday walks and evening drinks. Nothing would have changed the fact that he is there and I am here.

But, everything has changed.

Grabbed From Someone's Facebook Status

Normal heartbeat:

When I'm with you:

When I lose you:

How True

There is always something, Bona, to be happy about. Truly happy.

And if you have the audacity to find it and the courage to make it your focus, in spite of the countless temptations to do otherwise, you will have learned well, your life will be transformed, and all things will be added unto you.

"End" game,
    The Universe

Friday, April 22, 2011

Random Stuff

I want to blog about soap and deadlines and moving on, but am too lazy to write an entry. Lol.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Perhaps Everything Happens For A Reason

Psss-s-s-s-t-t, Bona! S-h-h-h-h-h-h!

Around the bend, in the unseen, arising from the very uncertainties that may now seem to taunt you, there are some amazing surprises, awesome twists, and spellbinding coincidences about to emerge that you can't even now imagine.

    The Universe

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Getting My Life Back In Order

Now that the initial shock of the break up has sort of worn off, I'm ready to get my life back in order. I no longer feel the need to constantly be surrounded by people to distract me, nor do I have to constantly ply myself with alcohol to numb the pain.

It's time to take care of myself and there are several things I have in mind. I want to get a haircut (what is it about breakups that make girls want to get a haircut after?), maybe sign up for a manicure and pedicure package (maybe only), go check out a chiropractor to get my back fixed, and attend Muay Thai classes a little more religiously than I'm doing now.

I'm definitely planning on cutting down on the drinking sessions, and I need to get me moisturiser, shampoo and conditioner. Maybe I'll splurge and get me something nice.

Anyway that's the plan. Let's see how things pan out. Whee!

Random Things That Have Kept Me Sane

The past two weeks have been trying and I'm so blessed to have an amazing network of friends and family who have provided so much love and support.

While I can't remember everything that has happened, here are some things that have made me smile.

- drinking beer and singing chinese and hokkien songs at sky bar
- $14 jugs of beer at brewerks on sunday afternoon
- sunday morning walks from chestnut drive to bukit timah hill and back
- 15 tequila shot challenge
- comedy club at blu jaz and meeting someone who has an imdb page
- free magic show by imdb guy just to cheer me up
- heckling lgg to make out with imdb guy (cos he has an imdb page!)
- getting a call from cheryl in shanghai after she received email proof that lgg did indeed make out with imdb guy


Two Different Things

I realised last night as I was chatting with Carol that moving on and letting go are two very different things. It's easy to move on. Just pack your social schedule chock full and time will pass. Lunches, dinners, drinks, movies, walks, races, lazy afternoons cooking.. all these activities keeps your mind from thinking too much about the past.

It's the letting go that is the hardest. Sure there are a million guys waiting in line to have a snog or a shag, but what's the point when the only one I want is him?

There are pills and potions that can take away the pain, and for a moment I was secretly smug that I found a way to move on and let go. But the heart does not work that way, does it? It takes time to heal and mend, and there are no shortcuts to take.

Why Does It Hurt So Much

It sucks.

Monday, April 18, 2011

When You're On Your Own

There's a certain point after your breakup that you have to start dealing with your emotional struggles all on your own. Sure, you can talk to your friends and family about it, but there is only so much to be said, and the journey to recovery has to be made by yourself.

It's actually this period that's hardest and lasts the longest. That stretch of time before you truly can say that you've let go and moved on. Nothing (short of brain surgery, and maybe hypnosis) can do the letting go and moving on for you. It's a process that could take weeks or months, or even years.

All that you can do is just live life as normally as possible, and hopefully you'll wake up one morning and realise that somewhere along the way you had let go and didn't even notice.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Note From The Universe

Though folks never suspect this in their times of crises, Bona, no one is ever more than a few wispy thoughts away from a rebound, breakthrough, or blazing new trails with friends, in love.

Burn rubber on me,
The Universe

This Made Me Chuckle

Things to Describe a Stupid Person

1. A few crumbs short of a crouton.
2. A few clowns short of a circus.
3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
5. A few beers short of a six-pack.
6. A few peas short of a casserole.
7. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
9. One taco short of a combination plate.
10. A few feathers short of a whole duck
11. Since you left, a village somewhere is missing its idiot
12. If brains were dynamite, your hat would be a very safe place
13. It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Many Ways To End The Pain

It's a level 4 sucky day today. Last week I didn't mind getting hit by a car, on Sunday I wanted to stab myself in the heart, and the crazy death thought for today is slitting my wrists.

It's very scary how much we know about how to kill oneself. Not that I would do it, of course, but the thoughts that flit through my head can be quite.. disturbing.

.. I'd write more about the dos and don'ts of proper wrist slitting, but really, there is no reason for one to ever kill oneself. So no, am not going to put anything up in this space, lest I become and unwitting accomplice to someone else who is having the same crazy thought.

It's not worth it.

Just Need To Let Go

Let go and accept what happened.

Monday, April 11, 2011


I'm feeling slightly better today. Perhaps it was the dream / visualisation, perhaps it was being told that I am very clever for thinking of turning off the waterworks. But whatever it is, I feel lighter today and can breathe slightly easier. The feeling of being overwhelmed has gone down a little.

And this is good. This is progress from the mess that I was just yesterday, when my crazies hit a new low.

Yesterday I felt like stabbing myself in the heart. Taking one of the shiny, brand new WMF knives and just plunging it through my chest. Of course, I had the sanity not to do it cos it too hard to stab self, plus it'll probably be very messy. And not to forget, sibei sia suay.

I also somehow managed to convince myself that the grasshopper had not broken up with me, and that there was still hope for the two of us. Thank god logical-me (and all the friends I told) knocked some sense into my head.

LGG gave me a call and told me to do some deep breathing and meditation and visualisation. And I guess it helped / is helping. Less crazy and first smile in a week is always a good sign.


Ignore my last post about not whining. I think I need to keep writing. It's a form of catharsis and helps me pen down the jumbled thoughts in my head.

Had a rather interesting dream last night. Or at least I think it was a dream, or maybe it was just me visualising.


Somehow a path just opened up in front of me. It was a white curving path that led downslope, and as I walked, I realised that I was walking (quite literally) into my own head.

It's hard to describe what the inside of my head looked like, but the "walls" were white and soft.. OMG I just realised they remind me of the padded walls mental hospital holding cells. Bleh. Except that in my head, the walls weren't flat but rounded, kinda like giant balls.

Anyway I'm walking around inside my head and I'm thinking to myself that it would probably be a good idea to turn off the tears. Crying for one week straight is very tiring, you know. So I navigate to my left eyeball, where there was a giant wheel (something like those red wheels in movies that they have to turn to close pipes) that I could turn to turn off the tears. And of course, I went to my right eyeball and did the same.

Decided to look for my stomach so that I could turn off the constant naseating ache. I also wanted to go to my heart and turn off the overwhelming feeling of consuming pain. But seeing as I was literally in my head, the walk seemed a little too far. I sat there, desperate to do something, anything to make these feelings disappear, but someone in my head told me, "Just let it be."


So I guess I'll just have to let it be (until I have another dream / visualisation).

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Enough Is Enough

No more whining and whinging. Just repeating myself only.

Apparently I've Stopped Making Sense

One week and I'm still a wreck. I'm physically exhausted from all the late nights and my emotional state is far from stable.

I don't know what to do.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Everyone knows that one way to help deal with the pain of a break up is to keep busy. Surround yourself with people who love you and give you lots of support. And of course it helps to ply oneself with lots of booze.

But the downside to such distractions is that you end up spending a shitload of money. Drinking at lunch and all through the night is expensive. Add the cab fare with midnight surcharge to all that, and you've got one broke bunny.

So the plan is to find all the places with ladies night. It's been such a long time since I've done this and I'm not sure where to start. Hmmm I think I'll make this my project for tomorrow.

Tap, Tap, Tap

Whenever feeling utterly bamboozled or bored by life, Bona, seek a higher perspective.

Because being bamboozled or bored, means there is one.

    The Universe

And whenever bamboozled or bored by one of these NOTES, Bona, tap the tip of your nose 3 times... and grin.


If there's something strange
in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call?

Day 4 = Fluke

Waterworks back on again today.

I miss him. :(

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Day 4

Ooh today is looking to be a better day than it was yesterday. I hope.

Yesterday was baaaaaaaaaad. Every small little thing seemed to trigger the waterworks, and I was an emotional wreck for most of the day. Level 4 suck.

But so far, I've not shed a tear this morning. Yay to that.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Just Give Me A Manual

How do you forget someone who has touched your soul? Someone you love so much? Someone who has seen the best and worst in you, and loves you for who you are?

How do you forget the most intimate moments where you connect in every possible way? The moments you laughed and cried? The conversations both deep and inane?

How do you forget his face? His touch? The sound of his voice?


This is my mantra to get by today.

It's not worth it to be with someone who gives up easily on the relationship and I deserve someone who is as committed to the relationship as I am.

Me, Now

I keep scrolling down my gchat list, hoping to catch his name online. I keep refreshing my Whatsapp application, hoping that he will send a message. But I know it will never happen, after all, I deleted him from everything and asked him not to contact me again.

I want to send an email telling him that everything will be OK, that we will work things out, that this is just a phase. I want to remind him of all the good times that we have had, of all the holidays we were planning to go, of all the things we had in store for us. My mouse hovers over the "Add as Friend" button on Facebook, wanting him back in my life, even if it's only online.

Stupid astrologer. Fucking naadi reader. I HATE YOU BOTH.

The Different Levels of Suck

LGG and I have come up with a rating system for the different levels of suck when it comes to a break up. Break ups suck. There's no denying that. But there are varying intensities, such as:

5: This is the worst and you actually kill yourself. But for people who feel that they are experiencing a level 5 suckiness, PLEASE GET HELP BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF. It's not worth it lah.
4: This is where you feel like dying. You actually act out scenarios in your head about how to die, and even imagine the funeral. You just want the pain to end.
3: This is where you burst out crying at the most random moments. Listening to a song, seeing a photo, or even just eating at a restaurant where you both dined together before, can trigger the waterworks. You also cry in the shower, in bed at night, and in the office. Level 3 is the most common.
2: This is where you feel depressed and need to hole up and hide away from the world. You just want to be alone to mope and deal with it.
1: This is where you're angry and cuss a lot but hook up with someone the next day, because you've moved on already.

Don't Worry, I'm Not Going To Throw Myself In Front Of That Car

Oops. A few people read my last entry and have pinged me online asking me if I was OK and telling me to be strong and that there is more to life and please please please don't kill yourself.

Well, don't worry. Whenever these thoughts of wanting to die creep into my head, logical-me smacks emo-me on the head. And as CH very aptly said, it's very xia suay to die for love.

Ripped Shoes and Recklessness

The grasshopper bought a pair of shoes for me a year or so ago. A simple and pretty pair of grey pumps (I think they were pumps, I suck at shoe classification) and whenever I wore them, I was very happy because they reminded me of the boy.

This morning as I was getting ready to leave the house, my mom asks if she could throw away my broken shoes.

"Which one?" I asked.

And she held up that same pair of grey pumps, now with a giant tear in it. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, but when I looked at how sad and broken the shoe was, it felt like that was my heart all torn up.

That now-familiar choking feeling returned, tears started welling in my eyes and I told my mom not to throw them out. Not yet.


I walked to the MRT and was crossing the road. A car is driving towards me. At that moment it felt like I was just watching myself and my first thought was that it's ok, please just hit me and take all this pain away. But the driver slowed down to let me pass, and I walked on.

Quiet Time

It's always the odd hours of the day that's hardest to go through. The rest of the world is asleep, there's no hustle and bustle of activity to distract you, you're all alone with your thoughts.

And it's inevitable to introspect and analyse, and try to figure out what went wrong. Demons come out during these hours when you're alone in bed, and you question yourself, your worth, your ability to love and make another person happy. You recount past conversations and incidences, and try psychoanalyse your own personality.

I know I have issues, especially trust issues, and I know I have to deal with them or this will just be a cycle that repeats itself. Part of me wants to run to the grasshopper and say, "Please wait for me while I sort these out because I love you and want to be with you!". A desperate cry, clinging on.

But it takes two hands to clap. And there were obviously more than one problem that we had.

It's only the start of Day 3 and I'm impatient for the nauseating feeling in the pits of my stomach to go away. Perhaps it's this rush to want to heal and get better and have all this pain taken away, that's making my mind jump to all sorts of crazy scenarios of calling the grasshopper and pleading with him to make it all work out. (Or perhaps this is just natural.)

I'm scared. Yesterday I had the advantage of walking around in a dulled and zombified frame of mind, thanks to the three hours of sleep I got the night before. Today, I have the challenge of going through the day with my mind well rested. I don't want to know what thoughts will creep in.

But baby steps. I've been through heartbreak before. One deep breath at a time.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


Cleared out ALL my pictures. Sending them to the grasshopper since he wants them, and then I'm going to delete the lot.

So productive.

Whiney Time

It's sucky because I was so happy. Happier than when I was married, even. But it takes two hands to clap. I happy, he not happy. Also can't work out.

Zombie, Zombie, Zombie-ee-ee-ee-ee!!

Day 2.

Ha, it's funny how I didn't even write much about my divorce but here I am, chronicling the most mundane things about my break up with the grasshopper.

The plan now is to keep busy. Everyone knows that, and apparently a Bona-watch has been set up, with my friends taking shifts to drink with me. Lol, good luck Liver. I'm super thankful that I have the most amazing support system, and that the people around me are mature and empathatic and not only understand what I am going through, but can also give very good advice.

Was out last night with cousin.e and LGG after Muay Thai and had drinks at the nearby Irish pub. Ugh, I've become such an uncle and now drink Guniness stout. Chatted, cried, bitched, complained, got counseled. We left at 2am, and by the time I got home and was settled in bed, it was 3ish. By the time I was close to dozing off, it was way past 4am.

And now I'm in zombie mode. My reactions are slower, my thoughts are dulled. And it suits me fine for now as it makes the aching and the pain less pronounce.

It also helps that I have deleted him from everything. Deleted his phone number (so no drunken calls or SMSes), deleted him and all pictures from Facebook (so I don't get reminded of how happy we used to be), deleted all his emails (same thing, don't want to read past conversations where we talked about the future). Out of sight, out of mind.

This sucks. And I know I'm being whiney. But I guess I'm entitled.

20 Months

24 July 2009 - 3 April 2011

Monday, April 4, 2011

It's Tough

Breaking up is tough. The tears that come at any moment. The choking feeling in your throat. The constant aching pain in your heart.

And everyone knows time heals all wounds. But it's still tough.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Stupid People of the Day

Ahh I just found the URL to an old blog - Stupid People of the Day. Heehee. This was created in 2009 as an outlet to rant about the stupid people we had to deal with on an almost daily basis. Reading it just makes me giggle. Some things haven't changed.